You Can be Great If You Really Want To

This is going to sound totally illogical at first, but stop and consider whether the way to ultimately save your marriage is to just stop talking to one another as often. Most assume that they need to talk as often as possible if they want to work things out, but the way they end up talking can lead to more harm than good.

Most couples who are having difficulties turn to a therapist or counselor of some sort, seeking intervention to steer them through to happier times. While this does work for some people, others find themselves filling out divorce papers before they even finish their pre-paid sessions.

So, what makes the difference here between couples that can essentially talk out their problems and others that cannot?

If you want to turn talk time into a rekindled marriage, you have to understand at some point that the actual talking is not what heals a marriage. What will ultimately save a relationship is both people being able to really listen to one another and then take deliberate steps outside of talk time to make things better for one another.

Talk that does not lead to action is not enough. Sessions that include two closed-off, bitter people sitting with arms crossed tight waiting for their chance to rip the other person apart or cry about how they have been hurt and betrayed will lead nowhere good. It can’t do any good because everyone is talking but no one is listening.

If you are going to try to talk things out, pay attention to what happens after each session. There will always be some sort of action at every moment of every day, and it’s the action after a talk session that will ultimately determine your chances of really working things out. If you both storm to opposite corners or have a huge screaming match, chances are low of coming out successful.

The key is to go away from a talk session really having heard what the other person said, valuing their opinions and feelings, and ready to take action to make things better. Most couples do not need to spend long lengths of time in a therapist’s office or screaming at one another at home. They just need one big honest heart-to-heart and a committed attitude to at least try something every single day afterward to make things better.

If you really want to save your marriage, then realize that action counts more than words. When it comes down to rekindling a flame or letting it snuff out, what you do counts much more than what you say.

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Each time that you begin a new job, move to a new location, or simply feel the need to branch out in your social life, you will need to use the important skills and subtleties involved in fostering new relationships. You won’t want to become best friends with every person you encounter, of course. But a friendly rapport with the people around you makes and environment more relaxed. When you build relationships not enemies, you are more likely to have people to turn to if you need help. Whether you are working on a new project on the job, or painting your house, it is always useful to have people around that can help you. Here are some pointers for how to do that.

Learning names.

Names are extremely important to the development of a relationship. Although it is certainly possible to have a friendly rapport with someone whose name you do not know, names make the relationship much more personal. When you meet someone, introduce yourself by name and ask them what their name is. I always have trouble remembering a name when I initially learn it, so I try to repeat it three or four times, either in my head or in conversation. I try to mention that person’s name a few times afterward, and then greet them by name.

Show Interest

Show your interest in the person’s life outside of the arena that you share. If you are meeting a neighbor, ask what they do for work. If you are meeting a co-worker, ask what they like to do for fun. Make sure you do not ask anything too personal, and that you don’t come off as creepy or intrusive. But a healthy inquisitiveness let the person know that you care about getting to know them.

Tell Them About Yourself

If you ask the person about their life but offer no details about your own, they may feel suspicious of your motives. Conversations should flow naturally. When someone else shares a detail, you should share one as well. This will be easier if you have common hobbies or interests. When that happens, relationships are often formed quickly. When you are sharing about yourself, be careful not to share too much too quickly. It is one thing to talk about your interest in gardening, and quite another to discuss in detail your messy divorce.

Talk to Them Again

After the initial conversation, make sure you keep open the lines of communication with someone. This will let them know that your interest was more than perfunctory. If your relationship does not end up expanding beyond daily greetings, that is fine. But if you sincerely enjoy talking with the person and want to spend more time with them, invite them out.

You do not have to be best friends with everyone, or to be social with everyone. Some relationships are simply cordial. There are people that you greet on a daily basis and never have a long conversation with. But these friendly greetings in themselves constitute a relationship, and can help you in your goal to build relationships not enemies.

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You never thought this would happen to you; when you signed the marriage certificate and said your vows in front of your friends and family; when you walked down the aisle in your stunning white dress and kissed your husband at the altar; when you danced your first dance as man and wife and enjoyed the luxuries of being a honeymooner, you never thought it would end like this. And now it has.

Divorce is never the preferred option but in some cases it is the smartest and only option left in a marriage. In fact, in one in two instances, divorce is the outcome. This does not mean that the marriage was a mistake- in fact, you should never think of a marriage as a mistake. It was a learning experience, a big part of your life, and a beautiful proof that it is possible to love and live in wedded bliss, even for a short period of time.

After the papers have been signed, the finances agreed on, the house sold and the custody battle completed, it is time to move on. However, this is easier said than done, especially from an emotional perspective. Your self esteem is most likely as low as it can go. However, it is possible to use the time after the divorce to boost your self esteem to new heights. Put past those feelings of failure and disappointment that have most likely been plaguing you long before divorce was even as issue. You need to let go of that negative energy and see yourself in a new light.

Moving On

One of the main reasons why divorce is so difficult is because there are all these negative feelings circulating in your head- fears of being boring, unattractive, unloving, uncaring and unbearable are common thoughts with devastating consequences to your self esteem. You need to shake these bad thoughts away before you can move on.

Self Esteem Boosters

First of all, do something for yourself. Go shopping, get a makeover, visit a spa- now is the time when you deserve to makeover your body, mind and soul. To boost your self esteem from the inside, consider joining a support group or talking to someone about the divorce in therapy. This can help you come to terms with what happened and help you get rid of that negative energy.

Getting Out There

Instead of heading straight back into the dating scene, why not concentrate on things you enjoy. If you love reading, why not join a book club? If you love cooking, why not join a cooking class? Do those things you’ve always wanted to do but never did because weekends were spent with your husband. You never know, your new found hobbies may actually lead you into the dating scene. And, if not, you will most likely reconnect with yourself and raise your self esteem in the process.

Call to Action

Awareness is the first step. Become aware of those self-critical thoughts that make you feel bad and depressed. One way you can do that is by writing on a yellow sticky paper “what am I thinking” and put it on your mirror or on your car’s dashboard. Each time you pass it, ask yourself, is my current thought making me feel bad? And then consciously change it to a better-feeling thought! Yes, it is doable.

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