Anger is a normal emotion that everyone feels sometimes. Although anger is normal, the intensity of the emotion still worries parents. In truth, there is nothing wrong with feeling angry. It is the expression of that anger that can be problematic and cause problems in behavior.
Most of us have experienced the physical response of the body to anger. Children as well as adults feel the increase in heart rate, adrenaline rush, and feelings ranging from annoyance to extreme frustration, depending on the level of the anger. Parents can help children learn to manage these feelings and control how anger is expressed.
The goal in helping kids manage anger is not really to stop the feelings of anger because that is not going to be effective or even desirable. Think of it as helping your child recognize the feeling of anger in the body. When they are able to recognize these feelings, they can make changes in the behavior that results from anger, rather than lashing out.
It is important to note the difference between controlling the response to anger and suppressing the angry feelings. Avoid teaching your child to suppress anger because this can resurface later as aggressive behavior.
As in teaching manners and other skills, anger management can be taught by example. Consider a situation where the parent openly expresses anger by screaming at a spouse or children. What will happen when the children become angry with each other? They will often exhibit the behavior they witness in a parent.
Parents have the opportunity to teach anger management by example. It is OK to talk about your anger and how you are coping with these feelings. For example, explain why you are angry and let your kids see how you cope by taking a walk, bath or other calming activity. Also, show how you deal with the cause of the anger in a constructive way to help them learn effective techniques.
Keep in mind that the time to discuss anger and anger management techniques is not when your child is in a rage. They don’t even hear you and cannot process what you are telling them. It is like trying to reason with a toddler in the midst of a temper tantrum. It won’t work.
Wait until a quiet time and start talking. Show love for your child, and reserve judgment. If you are prone to anger, talk about that. Talk about how you work to deal with anger in a way that is not harmful or hurtful. Working together as a family on this problem will bring you closer together and bring your child further along the path to self discipline and control.
When in the middle of the situation, acknowledge their anger, but don’t accept the associated negative behaviors. Stop dangerous or harmful behavior. If the child is breaking things, throwing things, hitting others or fighting, it is time to intervene. A brief break from the situation and a few minutes alone can help bring the emotion back under control.
Follow your child’s lead. Does it help her to have you stroke her hair, acknowledge her feelings and gently remind her that she has the power to control her response? Or is she the type of person who needs to be alone for five or ten minutes and the feelings will subside? Do what works best for your child.
Introduce some ideas for relaxation or calming down. This will depend on the situation, personality and age of your child. Some like to go outside and jump on a trampoline or run around the yard and work off the adrenaline that has built up. Other things that may work include playing with a stress ball or koosh ball, playing with playdoh. Counting to ten, walking away and taking a bath can also help.
Older kids may benefit from yoga, relaxation techniques, deep breathing or other anger management techniques often used by adults. Introduce these ideas and try them together at a time when your child is calm. Make some suggestions, follow their lead and work together to find a solution.
There are cases when children or teens repeatedly experience extreme anger and have related behavior problems. Situations such as this may require professional help. Anger management classes or counseling is effective for learning new stimulus-response patterns and recognizing and eliminating old patterns. Sometimes this is effective for older kids and teens and helps them learn to deal with their anger, and not carry anger and the habitual reactions into adulthood.
No child is the same and by trying different things you can find what works best for your son or daughter.
Looking for more information on parenting? More4kids is a resource for families and their children Mr. Heath is a writer and the chief editor at More4kids.info, a website devoted to parenting and families.
Related Blogs
