You Can be Great If You Really Want To

Building high self esteem is one of the key jobs of positive psychology practitioners. In my line of work, I often come across stressed students, erratic employees and burnt out business people. One of the common themes I see in such people is that they are too critical of themselves and frequently judge themselves harshly in comparison to others. I know that building high self esteem in such people will require me to become aware of a range of low self esteem signs such as beliefs of inadequacy and teach them how to overcome fear of failure.

Do you know a person who often feels inadequate in comparison to other people because those other people never have to try as hard as them, and yet they always seem to do better than them? Now let me assume that that person at times is you. Part of these inadequate feelings may be due to your negative perception of yourself and they don’t actually always do better than you. But let’s say for arguments sake that they do. You are completely accurate about this scenario. What is likely to happen? You beat yourself down. You say things like ‘I’m not smart enough’, if I was smarter than I should be able to learn it quicker and produce better results. Some will even go so far as to say I am a failure. Because I didn’t produce a grade or result as high as this person, then I am a failure. And you know what, you’re right. You are a failure! A failure in regards to how you are looking at the situation.

Let’s take a different perspective. You have worked twice as hard as this other person and your grade or result was a little bit less. Now, if you gave everything you got and produced a great result for you, and they didn’t try very hard at all and they obtained a reasonable result in comparison to what they could get, who should be more proud? Who do you respect more in this scenario? And if the person who has to work harder has the right attitude, they will actually enjoy the process more than the other person. While the other person is bored, as you reach your potential you are much more likely to move into states of flow which is where you become enjoyably engrossed in the activity.

Building high self esteem requires developing the correct perspective. I believe that the most important factor in building high self esteem is learning how to focus on your effort, not success. With continued effort, your own individual success will increase. If you are focused on success without a true understanding of effort, then you will fail.

Furthermore, this is only one side of the coin. This person has more ability than you in this particular area, but there are other areas where you will have more ability than them. During my studies, I was surrounded by brilliant people with much greater strengths in certain areas than I. Rather than feel inadequate; I would use the opportunity to learn. Rather than be disdainful of those kind of people, I would be respectful and create friendships so I could learn from them. (Though I do admit, that at times, those kind of people can be very, very annoying, especially if they boast about not needing to try). By learning from them, they would pull me up with them. My results would improve, I wouldn’t go as high as they would, but I would go higher than I could before. I would genuinely ask about their skills (their brilliance) and thank them for sharing some of their insights with me.

That being said, what about the ways I (or you) may have helped others. A lot of the contributions I made did not increase any of my marks. I was good at using metaphors, simplifying ideas and concepts, helping others feel more confident and less burnt out, joking and playing at times. Out of all these things, none of them were assessable or gradable in an objective sense. There was no test telling me how important any of these attributes were! However I know these factors are incredibly important and I know that you too have incredible talents that are not measurable or recognized, but are essential for building high self esteem.

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When things go wrong, does your organization put its energy into finding the guilty parties to blame? Or does your organization work to solve problems?

We have developed into a blaming society. Mom blames the older siblings when problems arise in the household. Teacher finds someone to blame when things go out of control in the class room. Management and unions blame each other. Political parties use blame in the extreme, and it is disruptive, subordinating national goals under political aims. Spouses unfortunately play the blame game to the destruction of marriages and families. Experts in many realms teach that making things better should be the focus of our energies. The barrier to this is blame.

Blame is the process of assigning responsibility for an event on another. Various emotions drive the blame, and it results in loss of face, embarrassment, fear and anger. It is unpleasant for all parties concerned. The language of blame and problem solving is distinctively different, and a study of real life situations could be constructive for managers hoping to rise above the cauldron of anger and blame. A manager may assign responsibility for a task without assigning blame. And you can hold someone accountable for results without blaming. The distinction is in the language and tone of the message. Robert Bacal, consultant from Casselman, Ontario gives some helpful scenarios:

Blame – ‘If you had done your work on time, we wouldn’t be in this mess.’

Factual statement – ‘Your responsibility is to fulfill your work commitments on time. When your work wasn’t available, I had to speak to the boss without the information I needed.’

The factual statement is the prelude to problem solving. The blame statement is bound to cause sparks to fly. Problem solving is focused on the present and the future. The goal is fixing a present problem and seeking to prevent it in the future.

Problem solving lacks the emotions of blaming, and it is less personal and more systems oriented. The problem solving process needs an understanding of the past and an understanding of the root causes of issues. It may include:

Clarifying the problem, goal or purpose

Collecting data, gain understanding

Diagnose, identify sources of problem

Formulate hypotheses for cause

Formulate a strategy for solution

Evaluate, collect more data

Note that assigning of blame is not part of the process. Neither is there room for emotional upheavals. Solving problems requires the use of a process, much of which was created by Deming. TQM, the quality system of modern companies, provides the structure and knowledge on how to solve problems the efficient way. Whether you are pursuing continuous improvement, organizational reinforcement, or improving performance on various levels, the issue of blame vs. problem solving is critical.

When problems occur, such as lack of performance, failure to meet commitments, etc, and you need to intervene, use problem solving. Begin by trying to understand the problem and underlying issues with the employee. Poor performance can be the result of boredom, stress, limited skills or knowledge, or other systems issues such as equipment or authority. Working with the employee to attack the root problem will help avoid it in the future. The focus is on the future. Additional scenarios by Robert Bacal:

Blame

Mgr: John, you should have let me know this work would not be ready for the meeting. We all looked stupid in front of the boss, and it’s going to take us time to recover.

John: I tried to tell you, but you were on vacation. And I forgot. You are very hard to get a hold of, you know.

Mgr: You could have called me at home.

John: I didn’t want to bother you. You said I shouldn’t call you unless it was absolutely urgent.

The manager attacks, and the employee defends. This could end up with attacks flying back and forth. The situation is not pleasant. Now look at how it could have gone:

Problem Solving

Mgr: John, I expected to have information from you prior to the teleconference. We need to figure out what happened and how to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Was I not clear on the date, or was there some other thing that caused us to miss the deadline?

John: Well, I might have misunderstood about the urgency, and when you went on vacation, I didn’t want to bother you at home.

Mgr: OK, well, how does this sound. If I need something on an urgent basis, I’ll make sure that I tell you in the future. I can also let people know when it is OK to call me at home, so it will be easier. I am also going to ask you to please keep me informed, though on projects like this we won’t be embarrassed again. Does this make sense?

John: Yes, and I have more input that may be useful….

You can feel the difference in the dialogues. The problem solving dialogue is neutral aimed at finding where the problem lies and works to prevent reoccurrence. Of course, it may not go this smoothly, and it is oversimplified.

Modeling problem solving in everything you do, staff meetings and other gatherings, is an excellent habit to form. When in a conference, and blame raises its ugly head, redirect with ‘what can we do, then, in the future?’ Seek a problem solving attitude when blame is assigned during a meeting. When you start doing this you begin to create a blameless culture, a responsible culture that discourages empty complaints that will put you in the middle of other people’s disputes.

Moving from blame to problem solving is a tough road because many people will not discern the difference. For some, being responsible also means to be at fault. When blame raises its head, return to the problem, ask diagnostic questions, begin to find root causes, and avoid being drawn into the blame game. In time, some people will begin to see the difference and trust that you are not blaming but attempting to fix the problem.

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About six years ago, I came to a life-altering decision.

I was sick and tired of being…well…sick and tired.

Unable to sleep through the entire night because of fears of things left undone, unsaid, or forgotten, I’d drag myself through my days fueled by cup after cup of black coffee.  My routine was to work 8 a.m. to 6 or 7 p.m., go home and cook dinner, kiss my husband, tuck my little girl into bed, grab my computer and work until midnight.  I was so stressed out I didn’t even know I was stressed out.  But to me it seemed “normal.”

This went on for years.  Until the day my mother died at age 64.

Funny how something so profound can change the entire way you view the world.  I decided life was way too short to spend it stressed out.  I became a student of stress management strategies and used them to eventually heal myself.

Many of us live lives full of stress – from the moment we get up, to the time we go to bed (and just lay there staring at the ceiling).

Although we’d like to think stress simply resides in our minds, the fact is that stressful thoughts do damage to our bodies.  Experts agree that stress is a factor in hundreds of diseases and illnesses – everything from strokes to Alzheimer’s to obesity can be caused or acerbated by stress.

Does any of this sound familiar?  If so, then it’s time to take back your life like I did.  I’d like to share some of the stress management strategies I use and continue to use every day.

Find the Root Cause.

Managing the stress in your life starts first with identifying the sources of your stress.  Some things are probably pretty easy to figure out – like unreasonable deadlines, or the death of someone close to you.  Other things may not be so obvious and you may need to do some self-introspection to figure it out.

One thing to remember is that living in constant stress is not a normal state of being. In order to determine the sources of your stress, examine your habits, attitudes, and the excuses you make.  Are you always making excuses to your spouse for having to work late?  Do blame other people or events for your stress?  These could be places to analyze as potential stressors.

Once you identify your stressors, you must then work to eliminate those stressors, or at least make them more manageable.  The following tips should help you with this task.

Stop Procrastinating.

I have a rule I live by, and I encourage those I mentor to live by it as well.  The rule is this:

Do what you most don’t want to do first.

It may not be the end-all cure for your procrastination, but it sure as heck will knock a dent in it.  That’s because a lot of procrastination stems from the fact that we put off the things we dread.  The more we dread it, the more we put it off.  It’s human nature.  However, by making a habit of doing the dreaded deed first, you set yourself free.  You will start thinking of yourself as someone who can and will get things done. Soon your procrastination days will be over.

Minus the Mess.

Whether you believe it or not, cluttered, disorganized surroundings affect your mental state. Physical clutter reminds us – often subconsciously – that things need to be done that aren’t getting done, and that causes us more stress.  

I have a close friend who recently decided to start clearing the clutter out of his life, and getting organized.  He started with his office, throwing away, organizing – he saw surfaces he hadn’t seen in years!  After he tackled this, he started on his garage.  The more clutter he threw out and organized, the lighter his stress level and the clearer his thought patterns became.  When you remove the physical clutter and you’ll eliminate the mental clutter, lowering your stress and raising your energy.

Have Faith.

Experts agree that people who believe in a power beyond themselves are generally less stressed.  Attending church, fellowshipping with others of like faith, and nurturing one’s spiritual side have a calming and soothing effect on our minds.

Practice Extreme Self-Care.

It took me a while to figure out that unless I took care of myself, there would be little left of me to take care of others.  Many people feel selfish when they start putting their needs ahead of others, but believe me, you have to do it.

Some of the things you must do to practice self-care from a physical standpoint include exercising regularly, eating a healthy diet, reducing caffeine and sugar, increasing your intake of vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and lean meats.  One other thing…you must get enough sleep!  People who don’t get enough sleep not only increase their stress levels, but studies show they decease their life expectancy.

Just as important as practicing physical self-care is practicing spiritual/emotional self-care.  While the first feeds your body, the latter feeds your soul.  Start by identifying five things you enjoy doing, but rarely get a chance to do.  For example, my list would include reading a good book, going to a yoga class, getting a manicure, watching a great old movie, visiting my favorite coffee shop.  Once you identify your top five (you can have more if you wish!), begin scheduling them into your daily calendar.  It may be tough to carve out the time at first…you may need to start with one per week and work your way up. You’ll be surprised at how pampering yourself can make you feel cared for and less stressed.

Reframe the situation.

Much like reframing an old picture can give it new life, so can reframing the situations that cause us stress.

According to Dr. Don Colbert, author of The Seven Pillars of Health, the term reframing means learning to see the past, present and future in a positive light.  It goes beyond “positive thinking,” however.  

Reframing is a concept pioneered by psychologist Albert Ellis to help patients replace irrational thoughts with rational, realistic statements.  Reframing calls upon a person to shift his focus away from his present point of view in order to “see” another person or situation from a different perspective.  When negative thoughts pop up, Colbert and Ellis maintain that we should challenge and assess them, never accepting them at face value.

Do you ever find yourself dwelling on negative situations or thoughts?  I know I did!  Once I started reframing the situation from a positive slant, I no longer felt the need to relive those thoughts over and over in my head.

For example, instead of dwelling on the fact that you wrecked the car, reframe the situation by being thankful you weren’t hurt.  Nearly every situation – even the most traumatic ones – can be reframed.  This may sound simplistic, but by mastering the technique, you will get rid of a lot of unnecessary stress.

Breathe.

When we get stressed, we tend to breathe more quickly and shallowly.  In turn, this causes us to become even more stressed.  One way to counteract this is to take slow, deep, fulfilling breaths. Start by sitting up straight. Breathing through your nose, inhale from your stomach, allowing your breath to expand your stomach and move up through your lungs.  Exhale in the opposite direction, letting the air flow through your nose from your lungs until your stomach is flattened and your lungs are emptied. As you inhale, inhale relaxation.  As you exhale, exhale stress and tension.  This works even better if you combine it with the Minute Meditation below:

Meditate for a Minute.

You don’t have to cultivate a long meditation practice to reap the benefits.  Even a short, focused 60-second meditation can help de-stress your body and your mind. That’s because taking a moment to quiet your mind stops the forward momentum of anxiety and nervousness that can so quickly get away from us.

Three easy steps:  1)  Relax.  Scan your body and release any tight muscles, especially those muscles in your jaw, shoulders, and neck.  Start from the top of your head and work your way down, releasing the muscles as you go.  When you’re through, start your 60-second meditation by 2) Focusing your attention completely on each breath, each inhalation and exhalation.  When your mind wanders, bring it back to your breathing.  Do this for one minute and 3) Wrap up by returning to awareness of your body and surroundings.  Take one last deep breath and wiggle your fingers and toes, refreshed and ready.

I do this several times through out the day, especially when I need to jump-start my creative thought.  I find regular practice works wonders for both my stress level and productivity.

Finding Balance.

The ultimate goal, of course, is to lead a balanced life, with time to do everything that is important to us – plus have the necessary energy to meet challenges and achieve our goals.  Stress steals our joy, our peace of mind, and our dreams.  My hope is that you use these stress management strategies to help you find balance and peace in your life.

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