You Can be Great If You Really Want To

In today’s relationships, self esteem can play a major role in the success of your relationship.  If you or your partner suffers of low self esteem, many things can and will happen.  You will have trouble opening up and sharing with your lover which in tern will make it very difficult for your partner to connect with you.  If you are building an imaginary wall around you and keeping everyone at a safe distance, there is no chance that you will have a successful relationship.

What should you look for in someone’s self esteem and how can it break your relationship?

Low esteem can ruin your relationship so let’s examine the 8 most common symptoms.

The number one reason is if someone is always worried about the future or the past.  They fail to live in the moment. Typically, someone with low self esteem will act that way because think they don’t deserve to be happy so the will always relive their past, usually something that happened that was very negative or they will look into the future at various situation that may or may not happened. If you are that person, and you starting feeling like you are starting to relive the past or starting to focus on the future, focus on your breathing.  The funny thing happens when you are focusing on breathing, you have to be in the moment to do that.

Another low self esteem sign is when someone is always trying to get something they can’t reach or feel should be there’s.  They feel like there is some injustice against them and feel like they are not deserving of whatever somebody else may have. The first step in this case to learn to appreciate what you have before you can get something you don’t have.  So change your vision and start by providing gratitude to others for what you have. 

Next is destroying your own success.  You may say, what do you mean?  Well someone who is suffering of low self esteem can feel they are not deserving of any success so when he or she achieves their goals, they will do something to destroy it. This can only change if your change your habits.  It certainly sounds a lot easier then it is to accomplish but it surely can be done.  Start by becoming aware of what you are doing and take it step by step.  

Someone who suffers of low self esteem may also put themselves down all the time.  What I mean is that they could constantly say, I’m no good, I don’t deserve this, I can’t do this etc. Everything is always negative and I am not talking about the person that claims they failed their school test every week to only come out with an A each time (My wife, she drives me nuts).  In order to help yourself here, you must monitor your self talk.  The way you phrase your response to any comments you make.  Example could be instead of saying” I could never get this”; you could say “up until now, I never got this”. This makes your statement sound a little more positive.

Not getting really intimate with your partner and not opening with others on a deeper level.  They usually don’t feel good about themselves which in return makes it very hard for them to open up and have a healthy relationship. They fear getting hurt if they open up, they fear that they will be left out or abandoned, typically caused by past relationship. They usually feel they can’t or even don’t deserve to be love.  If this is the case, it is time to take a good look at yourself and figure out what you think of yourself, chances are, you don’t think much and you need to change that immediately. 

A workaholic could be someone with low self esteem.  They will use work as a way to avoid having to share their feelings and they will spend endless hours at work.  If your are constantly busy at work but not happy, take a break, may be even a day off just to reflect on who you have become and is it what you really want.

Have you had more than 2 jobs in the last 12 months?  More than 4, 6. Chances are you have low self esteem issues.  You may be trying to find reasons as to why things at work are not good for you and you think the grass is greener somewhere else.  If you look around you, the people that you know that have been at the same job for 2, 3 may be even 4 years, how are they doing financially?  Usually, they are in great shape.  Someone, who hops from job to job, usually is behind on his or her bills.  So you need to figure out what is causing you to feel that way because you will be in the same position 5 years from now that you are today.

The last one I will share with you today is anyone addicted to some kind of drugs.  Now drugs can be in many different ways. It can be food, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, sex, money management or even anger are symptoms of low self esteem. Anyone with an addiction like this can not have a healthy relationship.  An addiction is simply covering up uncomfortable feelings. For a moment we may feel better but in the long run, you are destroying not only your relationship but yourself also.  Like in any addiction, the first step is to acknowledge the problem.  Once you do that, you will be able to start your recovery.

If you find yourself identifying with one or many of the symptoms above, take the appropriate steps to help yourself overcome low self esteem.  If you feel you need help or resources, visit http://www.squidoo.com/overcoming-low-self-esteem-tips

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Anger is a human and natural emotion, but you know that doesn’t justify violence. And understand that violence might not take the form of assaulting your partner – it can mean self harm, or damage to property too.

A lot of anger management resources are available today so there is no reason that you should not seek anger management help if you need it.

But first and foremost, (I always come back to this), what can you do to help yourself?

Anger Management Help Tip #1: Change your body language.

Every emotion has a physiology that goes with it. You never see depressed people jumping about triumphantly, nor do you hear people happily in mid-jive talking about their money worries in that moment.

Anger has a tense, snarling, coiled spring kind of physiology, and the great thing about your body is that you can change it about as fast as you can blink.

What state would you prefer? Controlled? Philosophical? How about cool, man?

Okay, let’s for the sake of example, pick that one. How do you move when you’re being cool? How do you hold your shoulders? How about your facial muscles? How fast or deep do you breathe?

Come on, you know the answers! So get into cool – now! You can do it! It only takes a second, and if you do it for even ten seconds, it will take the heat out of the anger.

Practice now, while you’ve still got your thinking head on. (Unless I’ve already made you angry, of course!)

Anger Management Help Tip #2: Think a different thought.

Hear that voice in your head? “That s-o-b’s done it again! I’m gonna kill this time! Grrrrrr!!!”

Let’s play with the voice a little. Turn the volume right down. Let it be whispered by the sexiest person you can imagine, as if they were purring, “Ready for bed yet, baby?” Now change the actual words too. You’re in control here, have you got that yet?

Try something like, “That person probably pee’d their pants when they were a year old just like I did. And what would they be like with a clown’s nose on right now…?”

It sounds daft, but it will change your life and the other person’s too. It might just save your relationship. It could potentially save you from jail!So be daft for a minute or two of your life, okay?

Anger Management Help Tip #3: Change A Belief.

What do you have to believe is true for you to get so angry? That you’re darn’ right about something? You have a right to feel and act this way? Erm, those aren’t going to stand up to much scrutiny are they?

What if you believed something like this: “When I allow myself to be quiet, a solution always shows up”?

It doesn’t have to be exactly, accurately true, like in a scientific sense. It could be more like a superstition. But plenty of people believe in superstitions. A zillion ladders are walked around every year!

By stopping and questioning yourself in this kind of way, you’ll break those destructive patterns. And then you’ll discover that you’re managing your anger!

If you’re still not, for any reason, then please, do yourself and those you love a favour and get some professional help.

This is one of my all time favourite problem solving techniques, and I use it on a regular basis with clients who find it hard to get along other people. If you’re going around in circles with a relationship problem, it can really help to step back and break the problem down into groups. Here’s how to do it:

First, think of a small problem you are having in your life right now. Don’t try to tackle anything too big just yet, just get used to using this technique and then when you get more skilled at it you can try it with some larger problems. The idea is to separate your problem into three groups.

GROUP ONE: Parts of the Problem That Come From Other People

Write down all the parts of this particular problem that are brought to it by other people. Now, I know it’s tempting to lump all of the parts into this group, because it’s so easy to blame others for what is not working in our lives; but try to resist this temptation! And let’s face it – other people are not responsible for EVERY part of your problem. So be honest with yourself.

GROUP TWO: The Facts about Your problem

In this group, you are going to write down the facts. For example, let’s say your partner won’t spend enough time with you and the family. In this group, one of the facts you could write would be “We need ___ to spend more time at home”.

GROUP THREE: YOU

Now you are going to list all the parts of the problem that YOU bring to it. Many of the things you write down here will be related to your reaction to the situation. For instance, do you sulk or berate your partner when he/she chooses to spend time away from home? How does this contribute to your problem? What reaction do you get? Be sure to write down any of your own personal triggers from past circumstances or relationships which may be contributing to this problem.

OK: Time to Start Culling…

When you have created the three categories for your problem, pick up the list for Group #1. (Other People). Now, screw up this piece of paper and throw it in the bin. Why? Because…..

*** You cannot change OTHER PEOPLE ***

But how great would it be if we could? We’d live blissfully in a world full of people who were just like us….or would we?? Now, I’m not saying that people will not change of their own accord. It just means that if they do change, it will be because they choose to, not because you tell them that they should. Don’t waste your time and energy on those parts of the problem that you cannot control!

Okay, now do the same with the group 2 list; screw it up and throw it away! Because….

*** You cannot change the facts ***

So now, all that is left is the list you have made for group 3. Your problem has just gotten a whole lot smaller because you’ve thrown away 2 of the lists! Have a good look at this third list. Are there any things in the list you have made that you feel you truly cannot change? If so, remove these items from the list – you must only use your energy on the things you do have the ability to influence.

Now, looking at the remaining things on the list, are there any things that you do not want to change? This is really important! If you don’t want to change something about yourself, then you will not; it’s that simple! But keep this in mind; writing this list is all about taking personal responsibility for what is not working in your life. This technique will help you to focus on the parts of your problem that you CAN do something about. By now, you should have in your hot little hand a practical, do-able list that you can turn into an action plan. So the message is clear….

Find out what you can do about it and then take action!