02 Aug

To Save Your Marriage, Stop Talking!

Posted by Samantha Sanderson, under Self Improvement

This is going to sound totally illogical at first, but stop and consider whether the way to ultimately save your marriage is to just stop talking to one another as often. Most assume that they need to talk as often as possible if they want to work things out, but the way they end up talking can lead to more harm than good.

Most couples who are having difficulties turn to a therapist or counselor of some sort, seeking intervention to steer them through to happier times. While this does work for some people, others find themselves filling out divorce papers before they even finish their pre-paid sessions.

So, what makes the difference here between couples that can essentially talk out their problems and others that cannot?

If you want to turn talk time into a rekindled marriage, you have to understand at some point that the actual talking is not what heals a marriage. What will ultimately save a relationship is both people being able to really listen to one another and then take deliberate steps outside of talk time to make things better for one another.

Talk that does not lead to action is not enough. Sessions that include two closed-off, bitter people sitting with arms crossed tight waiting for their chance to rip the other person apart or cry about how they have been hurt and betrayed will lead nowhere good. It can’t do any good because everyone is talking but no one is listening.

If you are going to try to talk things out, pay attention to what happens after each session. There will always be some sort of action at every moment of every day, and it’s the action after a talk session that will ultimately determine your chances of really working things out. If you both storm to opposite corners or have a huge screaming match, chances are low of coming out successful.

The key is to go away from a talk session really having heard what the other person said, valuing their opinions and feelings, and ready to take action to make things better. Most couples do not need to spend long lengths of time in a therapist’s office or screaming at one another at home. They just need one big honest heart-to-heart and a committed attitude to at least try something every single day afterward to make things better.

If you really want to save your marriage, then realize that action counts more than words. When it comes down to rekindling a flame or letting it snuff out, what you do counts much more than what you say.

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01 Aug

Forgiving Your Partner

Posted by Charlotte R. Brame, under Self Improvement

To err is human, to forgive is divine. But still, the majority of us find it tough to forgive, especially when the person involved is your partner. You may wish to hold the grudge and continue to not be on good terms with your other half for the rest of your life. But, if you want the relationship to go on, then forgiveness is a must. However, this is easier said than done. Forgiving your partner might not be all that easy after all. But, it isn’t impossible either.

The 1st step towards forgiveness is to discuss the situation. And, by discussing we mean speaking, instead of screaming or throwing stuff like bottles of your favorite Clearpores Skin Cleansing System over him. Both of you must deal with the issue as mature adults and express what you feel in the most civil manner possible. While you give vent to your own feelings, you must also lend a patient ear to what your partner has to say. Talking about it will help you feel lighter and also make forgiving simpler for you.

Give each other space by staying separately for a few days. Go away somewhere on a short holiday. This will permit you to think more clearly and anything crucial that previously went unnoticed will also come back to you. This self imposed time off will help you figure out whether you wish to continue with the relationship and reconnect with your partner.

Before you forgive someone, you must 1st relieve yourself of the agony and sorrow by crying. The luxury of crying could help relieve any hurt you feel and allow you to let go off the feelings suppressed within you. Crying, may also help ease out any emotional turmoil which you might be suffering from.

However, a word of caution to those who’re suffering from skin conditions such as zits: crying can aggravate your issue. Merely rub or wipe away the tears that may exacerbate the skin problem and use effective treatment like Exposed Skincare System to remedy the same.

Leave the past behind. This is an significant step to forgiveness. While you may not be able to erase the hurt entirely, you must try and let those feelings of bitterness go. Without doing so, it might be much more difficult for you to forgive your partner.

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It may not be extremely simple to forgive your partner. However, if you want life and your relationship to move on, then adhering to the golden principle of forgiveness is a must.

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09 Apr

How To Build Relationships Not Enemies In Your Circle

Posted by Brian Gosur, under Communication Skills

Each time that you begin a new job, move to a new location, or simply feel the need to branch out in your social life, you will need to use the important skills and subtleties involved in fostering new relationships. You won’t want to become best friends with every person you encounter, of course. But a friendly rapport with the people around you makes and environment more relaxed. When you build relationships not enemies, you are more likely to have people to turn to if you need help. Whether you are working on a new project on the job, or painting your house, it is always useful to have people around that can help you. Here are some pointers for how to do that.

Learning names.

Names are extremely important to the development of a relationship. Although it is certainly possible to have a friendly rapport with someone whose name you do not know, names make the relationship much more personal. When you meet someone, introduce yourself by name and ask them what their name is. I always have trouble remembering a name when I initially learn it, so I try to repeat it three or four times, either in my head or in conversation. I try to mention that person’s name a few times afterward, and then greet them by name.

Show Interest

Show your interest in the person’s life outside of the arena that you share. If you are meeting a neighbor, ask what they do for work. If you are meeting a co-worker, ask what they like to do for fun. Make sure you do not ask anything too personal, and that you don’t come off as creepy or intrusive. But a healthy inquisitiveness let the person know that you care about getting to know them.

Tell Them About Yourself

If you ask the person about their life but offer no details about your own, they may feel suspicious of your motives. Conversations should flow naturally. When someone else shares a detail, you should share one as well. This will be easier if you have common hobbies or interests. When that happens, relationships are often formed quickly. When you are sharing about yourself, be careful not to share too much too quickly. It is one thing to talk about your interest in gardening, and quite another to discuss in detail your messy divorce.

Talk to Them Again

After the initial conversation, make sure you keep open the lines of communication with someone. This will let them know that your interest was more than perfunctory. If your relationship does not end up expanding beyond daily greetings, that is fine. But if you sincerely enjoy talking with the person and want to spend more time with them, invite them out.

You do not have to be best friends with everyone, or to be social with everyone. Some relationships are simply cordial. There are people that you greet on a daily basis and never have a long conversation with. But these friendly greetings in themselves constitute a relationship, and can help you in your goal to build relationships not enemies.

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21 Mar

Healthy Self Esteem in Your Relationships

Posted by admin, under Self Esteem

Are You Dating a Narcissist?

In order to recognize a narcissist, it’s important to understand the difference between healthy self-esteem and narcissism.  

Narcissism is the “enemy” of healthy self-esteem.  

It is something that looks like the real thing, but is not. Narcissus, as many know, is the legendary Greek character who fell in love with his own image and drowned because he stared too long at his reflection in a pond of water.  A narcissist is obsessed with his image and has no real sense of self.  

A narcissist is someone who, usually due to childhood trauma or over-doting parents, has become obsessed with his image.  He has been socialized to identify with a very judgmental social system where love is given or withheld based on external criteria.  If you’re beautiful, thin and smart, you will be loved.  If not, forget it.  

People who grow up this way are addicted to status markers.   They crave praise and attention because it validates their very existence.  Without it, they do not feel alive.  This is because they have no real sense of self and rely on others to feed their ego.  

They are addicted to attention and crave it like a drug.

We all know people like this. They are usually the loudest person in the room or display outlandish, attention-getting behavior to get others to notice them.  Narcissists are typically the center of attention and the life of the party.  People are often drawn to them.

Unfortunately, if you’re dating this type of person you are in for a rude awakening.

A narcissist sees his life as a movie or dramatic story in which he has the starring role.  He creates a character (a.k.a. false self) based on what your likes and dislikes are in a partner and then assumes the traits and emotions of that character to lure you in.  Narcissists are unable to feel empathy for anyone but themselves.  

Therefore, they act out or mimic these emotions in order to convince people they are capable of real love.  They do this through carefully observing and profiling others.  Narcissists are great actors.  They are completely disconnected from their true self and depend entirely on external validation to feel alive.

There are two types of narcissists.  

The one type of narcissist is what we refer to as the cerebral or intellectual narcissist.  

This type of narcissist derives validation based on their intelligence or position of power.  They abuse their authority and see everyone as a pawn to be played in their quest for dominance.  You see workplace and political narcissism everyday in the news.

Perfect examples are Bernie Madoff and former Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich.  These are cerebral or intellectual narcissists.  

Then there are the sexual narcissists.

In the dating world, the trend of “hooking up” or sleeping around is perfect for narcissists of this type. The sexual narcissist flaunts his body, exhibits his muscles and brags about his physical conquests.  It is important to note that women can be just as narcissistic as men.  

However, studies show 75% of narcissists are male.  I believe this is mainly due to the fact that men have more opportunities to be in positions of power than women. Genetics may also play a role according to recent studies.  

A sexual narcissist loves to hunt and pursue women. They see women as conquests to be captured.  The more attractive and unobtainable she is, the more thrilling the chase becomes for the narcissist.  They look at dating like a scorecard. A narcissist will value you, not for yourself, but for how good you make him look, what he can get from you or what status you bring him.

Unfortunately, once a woman has been conquered by a narcissist, she is quickly discarded.  

He loses interest.  A narcissist is terrified of settling down and dreads intimacy.  He is always on the lookout for something better.  So that life-long bachelor, who everyone thinks nobody has been smart enough to get yet, is actually a nightmare waiting to happen — all over you.

If you listen to your gut, you will eventually start to feel uneasy or off-balance around a narcissist.  You know something is wrong, but can’t quite put your finger on it.

Listen to Lisa E. Scott at http://www.AllAboutHim.com where you can follow her on her weekly radio show ? All About Him – building awareness on narcissism, offering advice on spotting a narcissist, and a support group call the Vain Forum, which is a message board and blog to help women get out of their narcissistic relationships that are holding them back.


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21 Mar

Can You Save A Marriage After An Emotional Affair?

Posted by Samantha Sanderson, under Self Improvement

Emotional affairs can be more damaging to a relationship then an affair that involved pure sexual lust or a one night stand. The fact that the heart and deep emotions were involved often strikes the person who has been cheated on much harder than knowing the spouse just fell in bed beside someone once or a couple times. So, is it possible to actually save a marriage after an emotional affair has taken place?

The problem is not so much the affair, but the “emotional” part. Affairs of the body happen every day and many marriages recover from that shock much easier than most would expect. Yet, when one person has a real intimate connection with someone other than their spouse it is much harder to set aside and move on.

The first step is for the person who experienced the actual emotional affair to honestly decide whether the affair is genuinely over or not. If there is still deep feelings that are not likely to be let go anytime soon, then there may not be a way to really move the marriage forward. You can’t have a happy marriage if one person’s heart is withdrawn to someone else.

If the connection of the affair has been broken, then the journey shifts focus to the other spouse.

The spouse that was actually cheated on is fully entitled to feeling their own set of emotions, but in order to save the marriage they must also open their heart and their mind to the rekindling of romance with their spouse. Both people have to want the marriage to survive or it simply will not do so.

Once both people are on board and ready to move forward, then a period of time will be needed to restore an intimate connection with one another. Trust will have to slowly build up again. The marriage may never go back to exactly where it was before the emotional affair, but an even stronger bond can be formed and a new sense of happiness brought to life.

In order to save a marriage after an emotional affair open-hearted communication will be essential. Bitter arguments or throwing dishes is not helpful, but really talking so that everyone feels heard and validated will lead to action that can genuinely heal both people in time.

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