You Can be Great If You Really Want To

Anger is an emotion that needs to be managed. Anger expressed in public will spoil your image. Sometimes anger even tends to break up families. So anger management is essential nowadays. Many people are trying to find out the ways and skills to manage anger.

You can use your humor to change the mood. If any argument makes you angry, you can make a sudden wit that will ease the situation and you will also feel peaceful. If you and your spouse are arguing about something and the argument tends to become a fight, then change the topic immediately. It will help you to control your anger. If your child does any mischievous things you just get out of the room and take some minutes to calm yourself. This will be more helpful because if you beat or scold your child badly, you will definitely feel guilty after some time. So better calm yourself and talk to your child.

If your surroundings make you angry regularly then change your environment. If not possible at least plan some vacation tour that will change your mood. Another way to control anger is to find alternatives. If the traffic hazards make you angry daily, then plan a map and try another route.

The parents must follow some ways to help their children control their anger. Whether we admit or not our children are learning violent ways to express their anger due to movies, television, internet, music, newspaper and magazines. We should help them to change their violent mood. Otherwise it will harm the children and others.

One of the best ways to control kids’ anger is to teach them by showing yourself as a good model. The child watches their parents keenly. So if you got angry, then tell the child that you are angry and so you are going for a walk. This will help your child learn how to manage anger.

If the child is angry with you then you should deal the problem carefully. Tell him\her that you will listen what he\she wants to say only if he\she is in calm mood. This will teach the child to express the anger in peaceful ways. Teach the child to engage him\her in some physical activity like drawing pictures, listening music etc when they are angry.

Teach your child to take deep breathe while he is angry. Also teach him how to take deep breathe. Tell him to count up to 10 while he is angry. This will reduce the anger and makes him behave in a cultured way.

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A brief, interesting clip from National Geographic’s “Ape Genius” documentary, demonstrating problem solving skills in chimpanzees, by using water as a flotation aid to retrieve a treat from a narrow tube. This experiment was conducted at the Max Planck Institute in Leipzig, Germany.

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A friend of mine informed me that she told her two elementary aged children that there was no Santa Claus. As expected, she was feeling an increased level of guilt and remorse. She exclaimed, “They were rambling off what they wanted for Christmas! I just blurted out that I was Santa Claus and I didn’t have the money this year for all the gifts.” We discussed the impact of such a statement, and the reasons she had allowed herself to get to a place where she felt she had no other option but to, in her words, “ruin the holiday for them and me.”

This situation got me thinking about the problematic ways in which we, as parents, sometimes handle stressful situations, and how we teach our children about stress. I decided to write about coping skills, speaking to the skills children must learn to approach their lives with some grace during challenging times.

Parents often make efforts to help their children avoid certain pitfalls in life. When we observe them entering into potentially painful situations, we might displace these situations as if they are our own, disallowing the child’s natural process, and missing the opportunity to give them proper tools. While our intentions are good, we risk alienating the child. We worry that we have not prepared them to handle difficult situations. Many of us simply feel unprepared, in general, when it comes to coping skills.

In an effort to protect them, we may inadvertently teach them to avoid what might cause them pain. Unfortunately, we know that this might be doing them a disservice ultimately, but it solves the suffering in the moment. While life can be blissful at times, there are also challenges in the world. Our children must experience their parents moving through both good times and bad, with perspective and composure, as often as possible. They must see the healthy skills we utilize so that they can access the same as they navigate both contentment and frustration.

Children are more observant than we think, and they will often sense when a parent is under a time of stress. Whether we think so or not, they are observing how we handle stress, and they are making mental notes about how to various situations.

My friend and I eventually arrived at the agreement that what she wanted more than anything else was to give her children the gift of perspective; something she realized was not always a part of her repertoire. She would plan to sit down with her kids and discuss healthy coping skills.

My friend had to come to terms with the fact that she had been programmed to solve problems rather than experience them as a part of life. She realized that one way she typically approached problems was to avoid them, until they were upon her, leaving her little room to maneuver, thereby causing distress. With the avoidance of stress, she would typically begin to feel feelings of failure, which played into the eruption with her children.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) can be tremendously effective with stress management. There are four basic modules for DBT. These modules include Mindfulness, Emotion Regulation, Distress Tolerance and Interpersonal Effectiveness. There are several practical skills and exercises in each of the above categories, and my friend left our conversation feeling more empowered to integrate some of the skills in her own life, but also with more motivation and insight about how she would teach her children by example.

I have found that DBT skills are immensely successful in helping people cope with stressful situations. There are several resources that have come about that are tailored for children and adolescents with respect to DBT. These have been tailored to meet the unique needs of each of the families with whom I work, and I have observed impressive results in relatively short periods of time.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) explains how our thinking influences our feelings and behavior. With this concept, clients are able to see how thoughts (frustration) have a detrimental effect on feelings (I’m a failure), and the behaviors that result (Telling the children there is no Santa). My friend and I were able to efficiently examine her thinking patterns incorporating both DBT and CBT, and she was able to see the situation with a new perspective.

Finally, we returned to the concept of the gift of healthy coping skills, discussing the important lesson; children benefit most from seeing their parents proceed through all that life brings with grace.

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