You Can be Great If You Really Want To

Anger is a growing issue that is hitting our generation with its full force. With abusive relationships, road rage and violent attacks all on the increase – is our society more like a pressure cooker – and if so, what can we do about it? I remember a good few years back seeing the eruption into the limelight of road rage after a man was stabbed to death at the road side. Unfortunately it has become one of those stories that we see so often that it is sadly something that rarely shocks us anymore. In the last few years we have also watched the behaviour of ‘air rage’ also thrust into the limelight. Let’s hope that this doesn’t become just another norm in our increasingly pressurised world.

Doing the job that I do as a hypnotherapist I have dealt with many cases from men and woman that just get a little flustered when they don’t get their own way or can’t get their point across. I have also dealt with people that in the same types of situations have used unacceptable force to make their opinions known. Unfortunately the difference in these two types of people is sometimes only time as if they don’t learn to control their anger, it will ultimately get worse. The other thing that I notice when helping anger management clients is that it tends to be a Jackal and Hyde situation where they can actually be really nice people – until they get angry.

Nearly all of my past and present anger management clients have said that it is almost like other people are pressing their buttons or are winding them up when they get angry. However this is not true as what really is happening is that when a person becomes angry, they become more sensitive to certain things that are going on around them. Because of this sensitivity and anger that it is associated to, an angry person can perceive that someone else is winding them up, even is the other person is actually trying to help.

As a hypnotherapist, there are many techniques and ways of doing things that I can utilise to help with anger management in order to assist a client in bringing their emotions under control and also to communicate their points of view effectively. In fact, communication is a large part of the process as when a person can get the results that they want with someone else without losing control or flying off the handle then there is no need for anger to be used as a mechanism to get ones point across.

Imagery is a powerful stress management technique for creating deep relaxation. Through the use of imagination you mentally create a scene of calm and tranquility to break free of the noise, stress and pressure of everyday life. The more intensely you picture the situation the more relaxed you become. The idea is to involve as many as your senses as you can to make the scene as real as you can. When you consciously use your imagination in this way it has a direct impact on your physical world.

You see, stress is a symptom of the countless impressions, ideas and thoughts we willingly accept into our lives without examination or consideration. Whether it be from the home, the office or our social environment, the physical symptoms of stress are the results of this past ‘acceptance’ and can only be undone when we consciously take control. Instead of being passive recipients of the mind’s activity we learn to direct it consciously. One way of doing this is through mental imagery.

Imagery helps us learn how to consciously direct the mind. It goes much deeper than a temporary relaxation method because we are beginning to exercise our mental muscles. Just try and sit for ten minutes and create a tranquil scene. You will most likely find that it’s not an easy process. All kinds of different thoughts will come into your head and it will be difficult to hold onto the scene for more than a few seconds, never mind a full ten minutes. This is because our mental muscles have grown weak! We allow external forces to influence our lives and we lose our way. Often, we end up coping with stress in an inappropriate way to get some short term relief. In the long term this only makes things worse and is not the way to inner peace.

Imagine how life would be if we could consciously direct our minds at will? If we could block unwanted thoughts and only use the mind for necessary tasks. Would we not then become masters of our mind and in control of our own destiny?

It is difficult to maintain balance when we are not in control. This is why the symptoms of stress including amongst other things burnout, anxiety, anger and depression, eventually manifest themselves in our physical being in the form of disease. A life out of balance leads to dis-ease!

It should be clear then that to achieve a natural balance we must regain control of our mind. Imagery, as a stress management technique is one of many things we can do to help us achieve that control. The effectiveness of this technique is only limited by the degree to which we practice it. Not only will we experience the immediate calming effect of the exercise but the lasting effect of control over our environment.

When we make a conscious effort to use imagery on a regular basis we begin to take control of the mind. Over time we are able to choose the thoughts we entertain at any given moment. When we begin to master the mind we become increasingly self-aware. With self-awareness comes balance, and stress becomes a thing of the past.

This is one of my all time favourite problem solving techniques, and I use it on a regular basis with clients who find it hard to get along other people. If you’re going around in circles with a relationship problem, it can really help to step back and break the problem down into groups. Here’s how to do it:

First, think of a small problem you are having in your life right now. Don’t try to tackle anything too big just yet, just get used to using this technique and then when you get more skilled at it you can try it with some larger problems. The idea is to separate your problem into three groups.

GROUP ONE: Parts of the Problem That Come From Other People

Write down all the parts of this particular problem that are brought to it by other people. Now, I know it’s tempting to lump all of the parts into this group, because it’s so easy to blame others for what is not working in our lives; but try to resist this temptation! And let’s face it – other people are not responsible for EVERY part of your problem. So be honest with yourself.

GROUP TWO: The Facts about Your problem

In this group, you are going to write down the facts. For example, let’s say your partner won’t spend enough time with you and the family. In this group, one of the facts you could write would be “We need ___ to spend more time at home”.

GROUP THREE: YOU

Now you are going to list all the parts of the problem that YOU bring to it. Many of the things you write down here will be related to your reaction to the situation. For instance, do you sulk or berate your partner when he/she chooses to spend time away from home? How does this contribute to your problem? What reaction do you get? Be sure to write down any of your own personal triggers from past circumstances or relationships which may be contributing to this problem.

OK: Time to Start Culling…

When you have created the three categories for your problem, pick up the list for Group #1. (Other People). Now, screw up this piece of paper and throw it in the bin. Why? Because…..

*** You cannot change OTHER PEOPLE ***

But how great would it be if we could? We’d live blissfully in a world full of people who were just like us….or would we?? Now, I’m not saying that people will not change of their own accord. It just means that if they do change, it will be because they choose to, not because you tell them that they should. Don’t waste your time and energy on those parts of the problem that you cannot control!

Okay, now do the same with the group 2 list; screw it up and throw it away! Because….

*** You cannot change the facts ***

So now, all that is left is the list you have made for group 3. Your problem has just gotten a whole lot smaller because you’ve thrown away 2 of the lists! Have a good look at this third list. Are there any things in the list you have made that you feel you truly cannot change? If so, remove these items from the list – you must only use your energy on the things you do have the ability to influence.

Now, looking at the remaining things on the list, are there any things that you do not want to change? This is really important! If you don’t want to change something about yourself, then you will not; it’s that simple! But keep this in mind; writing this list is all about taking personal responsibility for what is not working in your life. This technique will help you to focus on the parts of your problem that you CAN do something about. By now, you should have in your hot little hand a practical, do-able list that you can turn into an action plan. So the message is clear….

Find out what you can do about it and then take action!